A Joyful December Birthday

 

Growing up, my birthday was never really mine. My Dad’s birthday was two days after mine, so it made sense to do a combined celebration. The dinner, gifts, cake and candles were always shared. 

The dinner was my dad’s pick: pork, potatoes and peas. None of them were my favorite. As a child I hated pork and peas. The cake was a mix from a box: white cake and chocolate frosting. Again, not my favorite.  

In my family, everyone got their pick of dinner and dessert for their birthday, except me. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my Dad. But as a child, I always felt a little cheated while I watched my brothers get everything they wanted for their birthday dinners. 

Let me eat cake!

This year, I had my very first ‘made for me’ birthday cake! My darling daughter asked me what kind of cake I wanted. Then she went to work creating a cake just for me. 

It was beautifully decorated with her own homemade fondant and inside was a rich, dark chocolate cake with melt in your mouth frosting. She crafted the outside in white fondant with black and white dots. Inside was a rich, dark chocolate cake with chocolate espresso filling.

A tale of three birthday dinners. 

My husband took me out to dinner for my birthday. At a local restaurant, I had a delicious halibut and bites of his steak with lovely red wine. On my birthday, day, my son made me a wonderful traditional pot roast dinner. 

Later in my birthday week, my husband fixed me this favorite dinner: lamb, baked potato with sour cream and broccoli. My sweet Gram used to make this dinner especially for me. And it always made me feel so loved. Another day, I had cake for breakfast!

Non Christmas flowers.

I love plants and flowers around this time of year: poinsettias, Christmas cactus, pine wreaths and rosemary trees. And I love filling my home with the colors and scents of the season. But I don’t consider them my birthday flowers. 

My true favorites were delivered by my true love. My husband arrived home with bundles of red and white long stem roses! Filling the vases with these beauties was such a joy. 

December is a joyful time

But it was made even more wonderful this year 

With food, flowers and a cake 

From my husband, son and daughter

All for me on my birthday. 

Happy December to You

 

As I sit here on the window seat watching the winter sun set, I wonder. What will tomorrow bring? Sun? Rain? Warmth? Cold? Does it even matter?

Watching the clouds softly moving in a light blue gray sky, I sigh. Even though it’s the end of another day, it doesn’t feel that way to me. I see layers of clouds and light sky and deeper blue clouds and distant trees pointing upward. There are streetlights turning on. A stop light blinking red and green through the trees. And strings of colored lights on a rooftop a few streets over. 

There’s a lot of light to see as the sun sets. 

Life hasn’t been easy for many of us these past few years. I thought this year, it would be easier, brighter, safer. Didn’t you?

Red light. Green light. 

As the stoplight changes through the trees, I remember that childhood game. I loved playing it. 

Do you remember? Red light. Green light. 

When it was a green light, I ran around joyously. Laughing. Just feeling the breeze, the ground and freedom. When someone shouted, ‘Red light’, I stopped still. Feeling my feet on the ground. Holding my breath. Waiting. Wondering. Still. Eagerly waiting for the change, the chance to go. 

This last year has been a very long game of red light/green light for me.

Birthdays and funerals. 

This is my birthday month. It was also my Dad’s birthday month. In fact, the dates were just days apart.  That meant for most of my life, my birthday was a dual celebration. I’ll admit, as a kid, this was hard. No special party for me. No special cake for me. It was, most of the time, what my dad wanted. I just tagged along. 

My dad is gone now. I miss him always but especially this month on our shared birthday week. I do get to ‘do my own thing’ but I miss being able to share it with him, too. Ok, I don’t miss the pork roast but we did agree on chocolate cake with chocolate frosting. 

Let’s all make a wish. 

We are all still dealing with covid. Vaccinations. Masks on and off and on again. Waiting for everyone to get their vaccines. So we can all go out into the day and on with our lives. 

Since it’s my birthday month, I’d like to invite you to help me celebrate. 

Picture a cake or maybe just a slice with a candle on top. 

Wherever you are, light a candle. 

Look at it and let its shine brighten and lighten your heart just a little. 

Make a wish for yourself, your children, your family, your cat or dog or fish. 

Then, blow it out. 

Happy December to you!

Sage Advice from another Sagitarrian

It’s not just a month for holidays but birthdays as well. For most of my life I shared my birthday with my Dad. This was special and difficult in many ways. He got to pick the dinner, usually pork. I got to pick the dessert, usually chocolate cake. He wasn’t a fan of cake and I wasn’t a fan of pork. But we shared our special Sagittarius bond. 

Now that he’s passed, birthdays carry memories both happy and sad. I guess that’s why I always look backwards and forwards, past to future. Growing up also means growing older which as we know on our side of the globe is not seen as a good thing. 

I’ve written about aging and ageist thinking before. But I wanted to share what showed up this week. 

Birthday advice from a superstar.

“My greatest asset is that I am constantly changing," says Sagittarian actress and activist Jane Fonda. 

I’m not one to take advice from actresses, even a superstar like Jane. But I think she’s totally right. The best thing I feel I can do and have done in my life is change. Now I’m not saying I welcomed, liked or expected it at the time. In fact, I remember many times I was dragged into change kicking and screaming. 

But looking back, I can see changing, rearranging myself and my life is the essence of true creativity. I actually can’t even imagine life without change. 

“One part of wisdom is knowing what you don’t need anymore and letting it go.”

So true, Jane. Letting go is a life long task and it’s not an easy one. But you can’t move forward without letting go. School graduations, weddings, births, deaths, job changes, moving all require us to let go of the known in order to move into the unknown, until it becomes the known, of course. 

I don’t always love the process, but I can look back and see it was worth it. 

“It is never too late to master your weakness.” 

Ah. Yes. So wise is yoda, Jane. And this is an even harder challenge, isn’t it? For me, it’s always easier to admit my weaknesses than it is to move onto mastering them. 

This for me is a very important advice. The emphasis on mastering not wallowing. 

“If you allow yourself, you can become stronger in the very places that you've been broken."

Jane, I really agree. Literally. I broke my wrist over 10 years ago and I was devastated. It was a painful recovery physically, emotionally and creatively. 

But here I am throwing clay, with the hand that was broken. When I need to open a tough jar lid, it’s my ‘recovered’ hand that does the job. My other hand is now not as strong as the one that was once broken. 

“The challenge is not to be perfect. It’s to be whole.”

Jane nails it again. And nails my biggest weakness: expecting perfection not just in myself but in the world around me. Of course this means I am constantly disappointed and not just with people in Washington. 

I’m not sure what it means to be whole. But I do want to let go of perfection. I want to accept myself. I want to see and respect the world around me. I want to welcome change and brokenness and weakness that lives alongside strength, change and love. 

Another Wonderful Silly Jilly Year!

Today is my sweet, Jilly's 12th birthday! It's a special celebration of life because according to her vets, 3 years ago, she was supposed to be dead. But they were so wrong.

Jilly is here. She's alive. She's wagging and barking and sniffing and walking in the park. 

Jilly is a wonderful in many ways and she is also a bit of a handful. She is a Guide Dog Career Changer which means, at 14 months, they decided she was not Guide Dog material. They had good reasons, but that doesn't mean she isn't a very good dog. She just had her own mind, her own desires and her own talents that made her more unique. It also made her more of a challenge to train.  

When Jilly came to us, she was sweet and lovable but she was also strong-willed and smart. She would not come when called. When approached, she ran away. She jumped when a van door slammed or someone approached from the back or there was a grate in the sidewalk. It took a lot of time, patience and stubbornness on my part to work our way around and through her obstacles. But we made it. Together.

Jilly is my studio partner, side-kick and friend. 

Wherever I go, whatever I do, Jilly is right there. When I throw out in the cold garage, Jilly is right there on her dog bed. If I'm glazing inside the studio, Jilly is right outside the door watching. If I go outside, she follows. If I go upstairs, she climbs up right after me. 

Lately, Jilly's been very upset because I've been sick with a bad cold and cough. Every time I cough, she jumps up to check on me and pants until I start breathing better. It's been hard on both of us because I realize I've been worried about her, too. You see those dire predictions from the vets all those years ago, have hovered over me like a dark cloud. Until today.

Today, Jilly is twelve years strong. She is my sweetness and light. Now, as always, Jilly, is her strong, exuberant, stubborn self and I wouldn't want her any other way.  

Here's to her and her favorite treat: special birthday waffles to celebrate!

Happy Birthday To My Sweet Jilly!

I'm so grateful to be celebrating Jilly's 10th birthday!  Not just because she's such a sweet, smart and loyal friend.  Not just because this marks her 9 years of being part of our family. But because she's STILL HERE.  

A month and a half ago, she was in the vets office going through a variety of tests.  The results were scary and ominous. I wrote about it here.  

Today is a reason to celebrate.

Jilly is alive.  She's still walking to the park with us every morning.  Still sniffing the shrubbery.  Still begging for cookies.  And still with me, sleeping on the carpet at my feet.  Right now.

I am so, so happy and grateful, today.  But I confess, I didn't always feel this way.

Jilly was a challenge as a pup.  She came to us as a Guide Dog Career Changer at 14 months full of spirit and spunk with a definite rebellious streak.  She and I were not best buds then.  We were student and teacher working through a series of difficult problems.  I wrote about it here and here.  

It was tough.  It took time.  But we made it.

She learned to respond to hand signals instead of the words that brought her fear.  She learned to follow me and find me by playing games of chase and hide and seek.  Now she's known throughout the neighborhood and park as the sweet girl who greets everyone happily.  Now she knows where I am at all times and when my husband is coming home.  She plays ball not keep away.  And loves to eat strawberries right out of my garden.

She's a blessing.

And I'm blessed to have her in my life.  Ten years doesn't seem like a long time, really.  In fact, it doesn't feel nearly long enough.  

So I want to be sure to celebrate today.  And everyday, she's still here with me.

I'll even let her eat all the strawberries in my garden this year and, hopefully, next year too!

Birthdays and Tragedies.

Last week was my birthday. I got pretty presents. I got taken to lunch and dinner. I was cared for by people who love me.

But I have to admit, at one point I was having a private little pity party. I was feeling somewhat sad for my birthday and the fact that I was one year older. I have grey hair and wrinkles and an empty nest. Pitiful.

Then, life woke me up.

I got a text from my son in law. He and everyone in his store, including customers were locked in the staff break room. The mall was in lock down. There were shots being fired. People were killed. And the police were surrounding the mall searching for the shooter. My husband was on his way to the scene to do his job, reporting on news events and my son in law was trapped inside the mall. My family was in harm’s way. And there was not a thing I could do about it.

I was scared.

Then, I got another text. My son in law was safe. My husband’s voice was on the radio, live. The mall was evacuated. The shooter was found, dead. But, that afternoon, while I celebrated living another year, two people were killed and one wounded in a bizarre shooting at a mall 20 minutes from my home.

I was shocked.

What we didn’t know then, was that one of the two people killed was a man that my husband worked with for many years. He was a kind and well-loved man who will be greatly missed.

I am still sad.

I have avoided writing about this for a week now. I still can’t believe that there are people so crazy and evil that they would gun down innocent men, women and children. Senseless, evil things happen around me all the time. And this time, it happened in my own town. I don’t want to believe it.

I want to stop it. But I can’t. Any more than I can turn back the clock, change the past or the future. I can’t change birthdays or tragedies.

I can only be here. Now. In the present.