Alive and Free.

 

It’s taken me days to start writing this piece. Well, years or maybe decades, actually. As a woman, a grandmother, a mother, a spouse, I’ve had many roles dictated by society, by religion, by men. I have been seen and unseen. Loved and hated. Embraced and abused. And it started when I was so young, I had no words for it. No context. Even if I did, I would not have been heard. 

So you can understand why this weeks press conference on Capitol Hill by the women who as girls were captured and raped hit me hard. They are so brave and I wished I could have been so brave, too. I tried. I was unheard. So I did the best I could, I shielded my children. I refused to let them be alone with my family. When I had to appear, my husband and I made sure they were protected at all times. Push came to shove and I had to say, NO. Stop the abuse and bullying. Stop the threats. Instead of listening to me, my mother disinherited me. 

The bullies got the money. 

I got safety.

Am I angry. Yes. 

Is there grief and loss? Yes. 

But I am free. I am safe. 

So are my children and grandchildren. 

Art Therapy. 

I can see now, clearly, that much of my art tells the story. Without realizing it I wasn’t just telling the story of my past, but the story of my present. The story of rising. The story of the strength it took to stand up and step away. 

Now with that pedophile in the White House, I put my feelings and needs into clay. I thought I was just playing around with a new way of making a bust. But without realizing it, I created a few pieces with women as walls. Women as guardians and goddesses.

These pieces helped me see the truth. I may feel shaky, but I am healing. Physically from major surgery this year where, as an older woman, I was tossed from doctor to doctor for a year before getting the help I needed. Mentally from the shock of major surgery. Emotionally from the wounds of the past both emotional and physical. 

And as my sweet, strong, supportive husband keeps telling me: it takes time.

 

Time to slowly find myself again. 

Working with my hands and heart and clay.  

I now have Goddesses to remind me:

I protected my love, my babies, myself. 

Now, I am alive and free. 

 

Hello, it’s me July.

Really? It’s July? I’m just shaking my head in confusion here because the last time I looked up or out it was March. Oh, right. Covid. How could I forget? How could anyone? I don’t want to start a rant about that, there’s enough of that on social media. 

I wish to focus on blue skies and sunshine and hope and love. I wish to picture my new bowls, teacups and teapots cheering someone’s day. I wish to see my new, little birds fly off and perch in the land of smiling people. 

Act Kind. 

My word of the year, act, found it’s way into my work. A series of new bowls bring messages I hope to act on more. It’s been way too easy to be fearful and angry and sad lately. While I understand the importance of all that is going on around me, I see my soul was reaching for the message. The meaning. The learning. 

All I could do was work. Put my hands in my clay. Trim my cups. Paint. And let the words and symbols appear. 

Act True. 

Act Bold.  

Spirals, hearts and wings. 

Spirals are ancient, cross-cultural symbols. The circle moving in and out and around represents the changes, unfolding in the journey of life. I’ve always been drawn to it, perhaps due to my Celtic heritage, it makes me feel both comforted and challenged. 

Hearts, of course, represent love but also ‘the heart’. Mine. Yours. And the ‘heart’ of the matter. I see it as a perfect symbol right now. I see how leading from the heart and getting to the heart of what matters are key in unfolding outward and reaching beyond our situation. 

My first bird didn’t have wings. Yet, now they all do. Heart-shaped and word-stamped wings. Hmm. More messages. 

Fly. 

This seems an odd message right now, don’t you think? Getting out and about is full of new rules, social distancing and face masks. Going on a trip, especially in a plane, is even more risky. Although some places are opening up, hours are limited and sales are slow. 

I worried. I wondered perched in my safe studio. Should I try to sell online? If so, how? I decided to re-open my Etsy shop last week. I took my own photos featuring my functional tea and whiskey cups only. Just 5 pieces. But it’s a start. 

A friend heard about my teacups and asked if I was going to make a teapot. I’ve never made one because I don’t like throwing lids. Then I saw ‘my kind of teapot’. And now I’ve made 2 teapots, I call ‘Me’ and ‘Mini-me’. 

Yes, months have flown by. And I must admit, my wings have felt very heavy in June. My usual speed slowed and it didn’t feel like I was going anywhere at all. 

But now I see, I did fly to some new and wonderful places all without leaving the nest. 

Acting Up

Yup. That’s my goal for the last two, three, four, or more weeks. I’m trying to see the good things, the positive news, the helpful acts all around me. I want to focus and re-focus on health. I want to act in healthy ways for myself and hopefully model them for others who may be lost in the land of fear. 

While I love staying at home, none of us like being forced to do or not do anything. It makes me mad. And acknowledging the feelings, losses and fear is essential to staying healthy. 

Go ahead and throw something. 

One of my sane acts right now is to throw clay. Seriously, I don’t know what I’d do right now without my precious wheel, wedging board and clay. 

Every week, I throw, trim and hand build. My normal routine is blocking out at least 2 to 3 days a week as studio days. I’ve learned that blocking days is necessary for me to get the concentrated time to really get things done. And clay needs periods of concentrated attention as well as time to sit and dry before the next steps. So, I’ve learned how to work with it and around it. 

Be creative. 

Now more than ever, creative acts can be life savers. It doesn’t really matter what you do as long as it’s safe and fun. 

Step away from your phone, pad, computer and move. Walk. Do yoga stretches. Dance while no one’s watching. Sing off key, Alexa doesn’t mind. Get out those old crayons, pencils, watercolors, paper and doodle. Or if you have a bigger space, throw a little paint at a canvas. 

If you don’t have clay or art supplies around, create some space in your home. Dust. File those papers on your desk. Do your laundry. Sew that button back on your pants. Make cookies for you or your dog. Weed. Mow. Re-pot your plants. Throw a ball for your dog. 

Acting up helps. 

I’m very grateful to have the space, supplies and creative practices right now. I’m also grateful to have someone close to me in the news business to bring me true facts to balance the fearful headlines. 

My studio routine is my life line right now. Especially with all the show and gallery closures, it takes stubborn determination to keep acting and creating. If I can do it, so can you. Don’t let this get you down, act up instead.