Finding Light in the Dark

 

Yesterday was a hard day for me, for many of us. I refused to watch or engage in the travesty and dishonesty embodied in Washington. I worked hard for many years personally and professionally to bring rights to all people regardless of their gender. Those of you who also worked hard, I know you understand. 

I had to do what I needed to thrive through it all: comfort and creativity.  

Comfort. 

I love to bake. It’s not just cooking but a creative act, because I do love experimenting with recipes. It’s also calming and comforting. Mixing the sugar and butter and spices in just the right proportions keeps my mind focused in the moment. And my hands moving helps my body settle.

Pumpkin bread hit the spot. It’s cold outside and the smells of cinnamon and nutmeg are warming and uplifting. It reminds me of my Gram’s home where I always felt safe and loved. She passed on the baking bug to me and I am forever grateful. 

Creativity.

In the last year, my studio has not been a hive of activity as usual. Recovery from major surgery has kept my studio out of my reach for months. While I healed, I found a few creative things I could do, crochet and watercolors to keep my spirits up and my body moving. 

So yesterday, I played with watercolors. Brushing the water onto the paper and watching the flow of colors is always fun. And leaving the studio to let it dry, then adding more color, kept me moving in a good way all day. 

At night, I sat watching a favorite TV show while crocheting another hat and ear warmer headband. I’ve made dozens of hats, scarves, ear warmers and blankets for my whole family. 

And I think they’ve got enough so why make more? It helps to keep my hands moving and my mind occupied with the calming motion of crochet.  

I know I can’t change the situation in Washington in the next four years. So I’m trying to do what I can to help myself and my family. What are you doing to help yourself feel better? And btw, anyone need a hat?

2025 Word of the Year: Thrive.

 

It’s taken me a while to find my way to this year’s word. It wasn’t easy but then last year and this year have not been easy. Even as I wanted to move, like last year’s word, I was stopped at almost every turn. Stopped by pain and confusion and fear and, finally, major surgery. I’m very grateful, I finally got the help I needed.

Am I angry it took so long to get help? Yes. Our healthcare system here is sick and broken and needs major surgery too. And, so this new year, I hope for a healthier healthcare system for all of us. 

It’s time for me to thrive. 

Recovering from major surgery is not easy. It takes a lot of patience, which is not my strong suit. My instructions were: no lifting, no pushing, no pulling, no yoga. I could walk. Slowly. One day at a time, I walked a little further. Finally, I got to the park and around the lake and back home with my husband and sweet Darby by my side. 

The more I listened to my body and gave it what it craved: good food, tea, rest and walks. The more it rewarded me with more energy and less pain. There’s a lesson for me here. Maybe for you, too?

Thriving instead of Striving. 

It’s in our culture, these deep seated beliefs. Work harder. Go faster. More is better. But what if it isn’t? What if, less is really more? What if, slowing down get us where we need to go? What if working softly with intention brings more life to our lives?

Maybe to really thrive, instead of listening to my head or my culture, I need to listen to my gut. Slow down. See the heron on the branch.  Listen to the rain hitting the roof. Snuggle by the fire reading a book. Paint watercolors with my granddaughter. Cuddle with my grand baby and watch a silly movie. Play with paint and clay and crochet. 

 What if, relaxing into our days moment by moment, rather than striving, is the way to truly Thrive. 

If you want to know more about the healthcare situation, here’s a link https://open.substack.com/pub/miketurner921/p/health-care-is-broken?r=2j4566&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=true

Goodbye 2024 Word of the Year

 

Every year, I choose a word of the year. I do it to give myself some inspiration and motivation for the coming year. Last year, my word was Move. With all the lifestyle changes that happened both during COVID and after, I need a word to get me going. It seemed like the perfect choice. 

I’d been in the hospital before Christmas that year with an abscess that needed to be drained. It was a scary, unexpected situation and even though I came home from the hospital before Christmas, I had to take it easy and not do or move as much as I usually did. I obeyed the instructions and thought after that all would be well. 

So Move seemed like the perfect choice. 

Not so fast. 

Yeah. This last year was a maze of doctor, urgent care, express care visits with so many different drugs and diagnoses that I was in a constant state of confusion. If you want to know more, read the blog “Easily Dismissed”. 

To say I was in a haze is to put it mildly. I lived with pain and fear. I was low on energy, yet pushed through to move on with my life as best I could. I couldn’t throw clay because it hurt to push the clay around on the wheel. So I made small figures in clay because I could do it sitting down in a comfy chair and rolling out the clay in small batches was manageable. 

I’m moved by those who helped. 

First, my wonderful husband who did the heavy lifting all year. He took over so many of my duties that I could not do. He grocery shopped, cooked and cleaned. He baked up a storm of cookies and treats and meals to keep me eating when I didn’t feel I could. 

My children, adults now with their own families and jobs, stepped up to walk, feed and care for the dog when I was in the hospital. Twice. They, along with friends, brought food and treats and things to keep me busy while I was confined to my bed. They are so wonderful. 

Thank you  to my art supporters from the gallery to the pottery group. It’s because of you that I was able to keep doing what I really love to do and manage to get my art out there. With the help of my husband doing the hauling and lifting and driving, I did Ceramics Showcase and sold a few things. Best of all, I had a gallery and a wonderful supportive owner and staff who wanted my work and worked with me to make it possible and sold it too!!

And a big thank you to the doctor and nurses and aides at St. Vincent Hospital, I was finally diagnosed correctly. Yes, I had a major but much needed surgery. And I went home finally, whole and healthy and able to really move on.  

Twinkle Twinkle

 

I look at the lights on the Christmas tree and years of collected ornaments but what I really see is love. Handmade ornaments made by my children, my husband and me bring back so many good memories. And over the years, Santa put ornaments in the children’s stockings too and now those ornaments are decorating their own family trees. 

One year, I made ornaments of all the Winnie the Pooh characters. My children were enchanted with the stories and I wanted them to see Pooh, Eeyore, Piglet and Tigger on the tree. Since ‘Santa’ brought everything, I had to sew and embroider the ornaments after they were asleep. It was fun, and sometimes exhausting, to be Santa’s helper but it was also a gift to bring joy to their little faces. 

Seeing the light. 

Right now, I know seeing the light is hard. There’s a lot going on around us that fuels anger and fear. I know those feelings well. Because, I’ve been recovering from almost a year of feeling ill before the cause was finally found, and healed with a major surgery.  

As I recover from all of this, I try to focus on the light right in front of me. 

The lights on the tree. 

The books I read to my children and they now read to their little ones. 

The characters from Winnie the Pooh who teach us all a few life lessons. 

Wonder and wandering. 

As I wander through my recovery. And we wonder what happened to our country and lives, maybe we can see some light through the lessons of Winnie the Pooh. 

Be in the moment: Pooh takes life one day at a time.

Be kind: Pooh doesn’t always have the answers but he helps his friends as best he can. 

Be brave: Even if all seemed lost, Pooh and his friends found a way. 

Seize the day: Make the most of what you can do.  

And see the twinkle: Always be open to the light whether it’s on your tree, in someone’s eyes or inside your heart.  

Giving Thanks

 

Sitting here in my nook with the sun peeking in and out of the clouds shining on piles of fall leaves, I sigh. It’s a sigh of relief and gratefulness. I am here. I am alive. I am getting stronger everyday. These are things I used to take for granted. Now I don’t. 

Last month, I was home recovering from major surgery on my colon. Even though I wasn’t able to do much but sit in bed or a chair, I was so thankful to be home. I was so glad that all the infections and pain I’d suffered with in my body for over a year were finally fixed. 

Thankful for great nurses and doctors. 

All of my nurses and aides on the 7th floor west at St. Vincents were wonderful. They were there for me day and night. They delivered more than antibiotics. They delivered kindness and caring and emotional support. They listened to me and shared and chatted with me, too. 

And one night in particular, which I didn’t think I’d get through, they were with me all the way. They came in and out in a steady stream, taking care of me. Their expertise and team work was amazing. They were ‘on it’ at all times. I was terrified and they were calm. That reassurance helped me believe I would be alright. 

My surgeon is a hero in my mind. He saw the problem, at last, and knew how to fix it. And it was not an easy fix. It was a scary scenario but he went in and fixed it all. It was so good to see him pleased with the result. And afterwards, he made sure I got the best post surgical care, too. I give thanks for his expertise everyday. 

Giving thanks for my stubbornness. 

I will start out by saying, it wasn’t easy to get help. I was tossed from one urgent care, express care, nurse practitioner to another. I kept describing my pain and problems and got handed a prescription. Tests were done and some came back positive and most were negative.

Seeing so many different people in different places made it even harder. I was misdiagnosed which made me question the healthcare system. And myself. But I was stubborn. I kept trying to get help. I am thankful for all the antibiotics, they kept me alive. 

And thankfully, finally a CT scan illuminated the problem. And I am now recovering and fine. 

Finally. 

I give many, many thanks:

For a talented surgeon,

The specialists on my surgical team,

All the nurses and aides on St. V 7th floor west,

You saved me, reassured and comforted me,

And shared stories and smiles, one of the best medicines. 

Recovery

 

This word describes so many things in my world right now. Maybe yours too? Unexpected things happen to us and around us over which we have limited or no control. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like to not be in control. It’s frustrating and scary. But it’s a place we all know well and if we can share it in our common space, maybe we can find ways to pull through it all together. 

Seasonal lessons.

I am in a season of recovery. I am home from the hospital successfully put back together. I’ve known for many months I needed help. I knew my body’s pain was a message and while I tried to get help, all I got were bandaids in the form of antibiotics. I went from winter to spring to summer and fall asking why I kept having UTI’s. I got no answers.

 

A few weeks ago, a CT scan showed an abscess from last year had never left my body and was leaking bacteria and causing all those UTI’s. The cure was abdominal surgery and reconstruction. I am now ‘fixed’. 

While the trees drop their leaves and prepare to rest through the winter, it is my time to rest as well. It’s hard for me to drop my routines. Pulling and pushing and rolling out clay. Doing yoga. Lifting weights. Picking up my grand baby. But, to recover my strength, I must rest. 

Color therapy. 

The leaves in the park are falling, layering the grass and walkways in layers of color. I love all the gorgeous red, yellow, orange and purple. And even though I don’t like brown, it adds a base for the other colors to shine. 

Like the trees outside, I let my fears and anger and shock and sadness drop like leaves from the past year. I see the layers of branches unseen before like organs in my body, the structures now strong.

As I walk through the park, I drink in the layers of color. I bend myself gently to pick up a few fallen leaves to take home. I play a little with watercolors and pens and yarn. And I read and rest and eat and nap. 

And just as the trees bud in spring, I feel the prickles of nerves searching to unite and flourish once again. 

Searching for answers

And finding none

Be brave 

Time will tell 

And all will be well.