What do you do, when you don’t know what to do?

I have so many questions swirling around about our President, our government, our ability to survive together as a country. Then there’s my ability to make a new sculpture, figure how to paint it and what happens? I get stuck. I want answers, yes. But most of all I want to do something, I just don’t know what to do. 

This question from an email blog by author, Tara Mohr, felt more like a solution than a question. Tara got her inspiration from another author, John Holt, who said, “The true test of intelligence is not how much we know how to do, but how do we behave when we don’t know what to do.”

There have been many, many times in my life when what I knew wasn’t enough. I had a problem to solve, a yearning to do and no clear idea of what to do to get there. The biggest question is what did I do next?

Get mad?

Yes, frustration is a hard place to be for everyone. Just ask my three-year old granddaughter and she’ll tell you straight out, “I don’t like it!” Yes, I tell her, it’s frustrating when the puzzle pieces don’t fit together, the paint spills or the pencil gets lost under the couch. 

But throwing the puzzle pieces around only makes it worse, right? I don’t tell her I’ve had my own times of literally throwing clay in frustration. We’ve all been there, but staying there solves nothing. And it still leaves us in the land of don’t know. 

Breathe. 

That’s what I tell myself and now, what I tell my little granddaughter. Faced with not knowing what to do, I face it by breathing. I let myself off the hook of being all-knowing. I revisit all those times in my life when I was lost and hiding my own ignorance. Or so overwhelmed that all I wanted to do was run away. 

Even though, sometimes I did run away, and still do, in the form of busyness. I know that’s just a way to channel my loose and frustrated energy. And it’s a good tool for me as long as I don’t overuse it. 

Other tools I use are obvious to most of us. I sought out books, classes and teachers. I journaled. Walked in the woods. Sat in silence listening for guidance. I stared out the window and took solace in the wide open sky that somewhere out there a solution lived and maybe I just needed to live a little longer to find it. 

True problem solving isn’t like algebra. 

And I loved algebra in school. But as comforting as a linear equation is on paper, life as we all know, is not like that at all. Life requires that we learn as much as we can. But it also requires us to understand no matter how much we know, we will all have times when we don’t know what to do. 

But that’s the essence of truth, of creativity, of truly living. Embracing the questions. Letting yourself not know everything. Feeling the growing pains of frustration and fear. And breathe knowing it will lead to growth.

Creating Relaxation.

I am a go go, do do, move faster kind of person. The more I have on my 'to do' list, the happier I am, or so I think. But the last few weeks, I've been forced to slow down because a cold and cough just literally took the wind out of me. 

For a few days, watching Netflix, reading and napping was comforting but after three weeks, part of me really rebelled. I wanted to race walk to the park. Get on the wheel and throw. Prune my bushes for spring. I got myself off the couch and back to work and my body rebelled with more coughing and exhaustion. 

How can I relax more?

This question came through my email inbox from well known author, Tara Mohr. As she was stuck in traffic worried about being late for an appointment, she asked herself this question. She found that in many instances where she would normally rush, push and stress, she could find a way to relax.

It made me wonder. Is it really me or is it life long conditioning that keeps me on the move almost 24/7? It's not the first time I've wondered about whether I'm the driver or being driven. Maybe just like Tara, I could stop pushing the pedal to the metal so hard. Certainly my body needed a slower pace. 

Maybe instead of missing something, I might discover some things.

Here's what I found out:  I still got work done. I got my work priced and delivered and set up for two shows. I did get some of my bushes pruned and some of them got pruned by the wind storm. I did have to say no to a few things I wanted to go and do, so my body could get the rest it needed. But as a result, of not pushing and over-doing, I'm slowly starting to feel better. 

Now, when I get temped to go, go, go, I ask myself, "Can I create relaxation, too?"

When I'm driving, I can rest my head against the headrest instead of trying to push the other cars with my neck. When I'm shopping, I can take a breath while waiting in line. Working in the studio, I can look up at the sky in between paint strokes. While unloading my work and setting up my shelves for the show, I can step back, take a breath(because I literally had to) and look at the overall display. Walking doesn't always need to be a race, just because I'm choosing to walk slower doesn't mean I am slow.

I don't think I have to come to a full stop which is what I fear most. I realize I can just hit the pause button, take a breath and create a little relaxation in that one moment. Creating relaxation while in motion makes everything flow a little smoother. 

Unhooking From Praise.

Or how to change my relationship to praise and criticism.  

Another quote popped up in front of me this week from author, Tara Mohr, "Always look at feedback as giving you information about the person or people giving the feedback, rather than information about yourself." 

We all want praise and not criticism.  But what if it's not about us, but about others?

This is definitely an idea that sets me free in so many ways.  Free from the childhood of scowling nuns.  Free from the peer pressure, career pressure, parental pressure, social status pressure and now, ageist pressure to sit out my life and retire. As I expand my life from required work to creative work, it's easy to slip into thinking I am immune to the whole praise/criticism merry-go-round.  

Maybe you are, but I'm not.  But it's not because I'm weird, but because I'm a woman.

According to author, Tara Mohr, women have a harder time getting beyond the praise/criticism trap.  "What I realized was that for most of the past few thousand years, women couldn’t ensure our safety by political, legal or financial rights — we simply didn’t have those protections. Likability, fitting in, social influence — these were women’s primary available survival strategies. For many of us, doing work or expressing ideas that might rock the boat, cause controversy, or bring others’ disapproval can feel very dangerous because, for millennia, it was. Today, we’ve got some serious unlearning to do."

Wow.  Let my learning begin.  Now.  Please.

Now I see it's not about praise=good and criticism=bad.  It's about getting a glimpse of the world through someone else's eyes.  What they say, is...only what they see.  Not what is truly there to be seen.  If someone likes my work, that tells me something about their tastes.  If someone doesn't like my work, that also tells me about their needs or preferences. My work is distinctive and original.  Doing work like that will be liked by some and disliked by others.  I don't need to do different work or change what I do.  

All I need to do is see my true target audience.  And embrace that it's not everyone out there.

A weight lifted in my heart when I read this.  Thank you, Tara Mohr.